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pun_repository.txt
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pun_repository.txt
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Why did the belt go to jail? Because it held up a pair of pants.
I'm reading a book on how to deal with stress. I just can't seem to put it down.
I'm addicted to brake fluid, but I can stop anytime.
Why don't ghosts have any money? Because they don't have any body to earn it.
Why was the math book sad? Because it had too many problems.
The inventor of knock-knock jokes won the 'no-bell' prize.
What do you call a can opener that doesn't work? A can't opener.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at the park? They woke up.
I'm reading a book on gravity. It's a real page-turner.
I'm on a diet. I'm cutting out candy. I'm trying to get Reese's to success.
I'm reading a book on how to fix clocks. It's about time.
I was going to tell you a joke about pizza, but it was a little cheesy.
I'm terrible at analogies. It's like I'm a snail trying to explain calculus.
Why do birds fly south in the winter? Because it's too far to walk.
I'm not lazy, I'm just on energy-saving mode.
I'm trying to organize a hide and seek tournament, but it's really hard to find good players.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? A stick.
Why do golfers wear two pairs of pants? In case they get a hole in one.
I'm writing a book on how to reverse aging. Chapter one: Get a cat.
I'm reading a book about gravity. It's a heavy subject.
I'm reading a book on how to make ice cream. It's chilling.
What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a trampoline and a well-dressed man on a trampoline? Attire.
I have a photographic memory, but I always forget to take the lens cap off.
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? "Supplies!"
I tried to catch some fog earlier. I mist.
I have a photographic memory, but sometimes I forget to develop it.
I was wondering why the ball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side.
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.
Why don't skeletons fight each other? They don't have the guts.
What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.
I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands.
I'm not a doctor, but I play one on TV dinners.
Why don't oysters give to charity? Because they're shellfish.
I'm thinking of taking up meditation. It's better than sitting around doing nothing.
I'm reading a book about teleportation. It's bound to take me somewhere.
I have a photographic memory, but I always forget to bring my camera.
I'm reading a book on the history of polka dots. It's spot on.
I tried to make a belt out of watches, but it was a waist of time.
Why do elephants never use computers? They're afraid of the mouse.
I've never been to a gym, but I'm pretty sure I'm fit to be tied.
I'm reading a book on the history of glue. I just can't seem to put it down.
Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged.
I'm reading a book about reverse psychology. Don't buy it.
Why do cows wear bells? Because their horns don't work.
Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.
I'm reading a book on the history of glue - I can't seem to put it down!
I'm a huge fan of wind turbines. I think they're absolutely fan-tastic.
I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.
I don't trust people who do acupuncture. They're back stabbers.
What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing, it just let out a little wine.
Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing!
Why did the cookie go to the doctor? Because it was feeling crumbly.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
I hate Russian dolls. They're so full of themselves.
I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.
I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.
I used to be a baker, but I couldn't raise the dough.
Why don't scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything.
What do you get when you cross a snowman and a shark? Frostbite.
Why did the chicken join a band? Because it already had drumsticks.
I've got a photographic memory, but I always forget to bring the camera.
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
I'm reading a book about gravity. It's impossible to put down.
I'm trying to start a broom business, but it's sweeping the nation.
I was going to look for my missing watch, but I could never find the time.
I'm terrible at math, but I hear calculators really add up.
The man who invented auto-correct has died. Restaurant in peace.
I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right.
Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one.
Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe.
I'm writing a book about a thief. It's a steal.
Why did the bicycle fall over? Because it was two-tired.
I'm a big fan of whiteboards. They're re-markable.
I'm really good at sleeping. I can do it with my eyes closed.
Why did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank his coffee before it was cool.
I'm terrible at directions. It's like I have a compass that points directly to confusion.
What do you call fake spaghetti? An impasta.
Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay, they'd be bagels.
I'm reading a book on anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!