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7 Receiving Empathically.md

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7 Receiving Empathically

  • NVC: expressing honestly + receiving empathically
  • Presence: Don't Just Do Something, Stand There
    • Empathy: emptying our mind and listening with our whole being.
      • when we shed all proconceived ideas and judgments.
    • Ask before offering advice or reassurance.
      • It is frustrating for someone needing empathy instead of reassurance or "fix-it" advice.
    • Common behaviors that prevent us from being present to connect empathically with others:
      • Advising: "I think you should ..." "How come you didn't ...?"
      • One-upping: "That's nothing; wait'll you hear what happened to me."
      • Educating: "This could turn into a very positive experience for you if you just ..."
      • Consoling: "It wasn't your fault; you did the best you could."
      • Story-telling: "That reminds me of the time ..."
      • Shutting down: "Cheer up. Don't feel so bad."
      • Sympathizing: "Oh, you poor thing ..."
      • Interrogating: "When did this begin?"
      • Explaining: "I would have called but ..."
      • Correcting: "That's not how it happened."
    • Intellectual understanding blocks empathy.
      • Be with them, but not looking at them.
      • empathy != mental understanding or sympathy
  • Listening for Feelings and Needs
    • No matter what others say, we only hear what they are observing, feeling, needing, and requesting.
    • Listen to what peole are needing rather than what they are thinking.
  • Paraphrasing
    • Reflect back by paraphrasing
      • => confirm for them if we have accurately received the other party's message.
      • => they can correct us if our paraphrase is incorrect.
      • => it offers them time to reflect on what they've said and an opportunity to delve deeper into themselves.
    • When asking for information, first express our own feelings and needs.
      • what others are observing: "Are you reacting to how many evenings I was gone last week?"
      • how others are feeling and the needs generating their feelings: "Are you feeling hurt because you would have liked more appreciation of your efforts than you received?"
      • what others are requesting: "Are you wanting me to tell you my reasons for saying what I did?"
    • Reflect back messages that are emotionally charged.
    • Paraphrase only when it contributes to greater compassion and understanding.
    • Behind intimidating messages are merely people appealing to us to meet their needs.
    • A difficult message becomes an opportunity to enrich someone's life.
    • Paraphrasing saves time.
      • accurately repeat before responding => both agree => reach conflict resolution.
  • Sustaining Empathy
    • When we stay with empathy, we allow speakers to touch deeper levels of themselves.
      • By maintaining our attention on what's going on within others, we offer them a chance to fully explore and express their interior selves.
    • We know a speaker has received adequate empathy when we sense a release of tension, or the flow of words comes to a halt.
      • “Is there more that you wanted to say?”
  • When Pain Blocks Our Ability to Empathize
    • We need empathy to give empathy.
    • We can scream nonviolently.
      • => speak our pain nakedly without blame => people are able to hear our need.
    • We give ourselves time out to acquire empathy.
  • Summary
    • “Empathy is a respectful understanding of what others are experiencing. We often have a strong urge to give advice or reassurance and to explain our own position or feeling. Empathy, however, calls upon us to empty our mind and listen to others with our whole being.”
    • “In NVC, no matter what words others may use to express themselves, we simply listen for their observations, feelings, needs, and requests. Then we may wish to reflect back, paraphrasing what we have understood. We stay with empathy and allow others the opportunity to fully express themselves before we turn our attention to solutions or requests for relief.”
    • “We need empathy to give empathy. When we sense ourselves being defensive or unable to empathize, we need to (1) stop, breathe, give ourselves empathy; (2) scream nonviolently; or (3) take time out.”