Shrek-Script.txt

SHREK (2001)
Writer Credits:
William Steig (Book); Ted Elliott, Terry Rossio, Joe Stillman & Roger S.H. Schulman (Screenplay); Cody Cameron, Chris Miller & Conrad Vernon (Additional Dialogue).
OPENING SEQUENCE: A FAIRYTALE BOOK
Voiceover: Shrek
Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but none prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss. (laughs) (Page is ripped out.)
CUT TO: OUTDOOR TOILET.
Voiceover: Shrek
Like that's ever gonna happen. What a load of - (Toilet flush, Shrek bursts out from toilet.) (Music plays: Allstar - by Smashmouth begins to play.)
CUT TO: DAYTIME. THE SWAMP. CREDIT ROLL.
Montage of various Shrek activities. In a nearby town, the villagers get together to go after the ogre..
CUT TO: NIGHT. THE SWAMP.
It’s night time, the men from town have lit torches and are running into the swamp. They arrive at Shrek’s home.
MAN 1
Think it's in there?
MAN 2
All right. Let's get it!
MAN 1
Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you?
MAN 3
Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread. Shrek sneaks up behind them and laughs.
SHREK
Yes, well, actually, that would be a giant. Now, ogres, oh they're much worse. They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.
MEN
No!
SHREK
They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes!
Actually, it's quite good on toast.
MAN 1
Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya! (He waves the torch at Shrek.)
(Shrek calmly licks his fingers and extinguishes the torch.)
MAN 1
Right!
(The men shrink back away from him. Shrek roars very loudly, the men roar loudly back. His long and his breath extinguishes all the remaining torches until the men are in the dark.)
SHREK
(Whispers to Man 1.) This is the part where you run away.
(The men scramble to run away. He laughs.) And stay out!
(He looks down and picks up a piece of paper. Reads.) "Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."(He sighs and throws the paper over his shoulder.)
CUT TO: DAYTIME. THE FOREST.
There is a line of fairy tale creatures. The head of the guard sits at a table paying people for bringing the fairy tale creatures to him. There are cages all around. We see Peter Pan, Tinkerbell, the seven dwarves, Gipetto and Pinocchio, and the three little pigs.
GUARD
All right. This one's full. Take it away! Move it along. Come on! Get up!
HEAD GUARD
Next!
GUARD (taking the witch's broom)
Give me that! Your flying days are over! (Breaks the broom in half.) HEAD GUARD
That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!
GUARD
Get up! Come on! Sit down there! Be quiet!
LITTLE BEAR
(Crying.) This cage is too small.
DONKEY
Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please! Give me another chance!
OLD WOMAN
Oh, shut up. (jerks his rope)
DONKEY
Oh!
HEAD GUARD
Next! What have you got?
GIPETTO
This little wooden puppet.
PINOCCHIO
I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy. (His nose grows.)
HEAD GUARD
Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.
PINOCCHIO
Father, please! Don't let them do this! Help me!
(Gipetto takes the money and walks off. The old woman steps up to the table.) HEAD GUARD
Next! What have you got?
OLD WOMAN
Well, I've got a talking donkey.
HEAD GUARD
Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.
OLD WOMAN
Oh, go ahead, little fella. (Donkey just looks up at her.)
HEAD GUARD
Well?
OLD WOMAN
Oh, oh, he's just...he's just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt...
HEAD GUARD
That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!
OLD WOMAN
No, no, he talks! He does. (Pretends to be Donkey) I can talk. I love to talk.
I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.
HEAD GUARD
Get her out of my sight.
OLD WOMAN
No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!
The guards grab the old woman and she struggles with them. One of her legs flies out and kicks Tinkerbell out of Peter Pan’s hands, and her cage drops on Donkey's head. He gets sprinkled with fairy dust and he's able to fly. )
DONKEY
Hey! I can fly!
PETER PAN
He can fly!
3 LITTLE PIGS
He can fly!
HEAD GUARD
He can talk!
DONKEY
Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey. You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha!
The pixie dust begins to wear off.
DONKEY
Uh-oh.
He begins to sink to the ground. He hits the ground with a thud.
Donkey takes of running.
HEAD GUARD
Seize him!
HEAD GUARD
After him!
GUARDS
He's getting away! Get him! This way! Turn!
Donkey keeps running and he eventually runs into Shrek. Donkey looks scared when he spots the guards coming up the path. He quickly hides behind Shrek.
HEAD GUARD
You there. Ogre!
SHREK
Aye?
HEAD GUARD
By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under arrest and transport you to a designated resettlement facility.
SHREK
Oh, really? You and what army?
Shrek looks behind the guard and the guard turns to see that all other men have
deserted him. The guard runs off, too. Shrek laughs and begins walking back to his cottage. Donkey follows.
DONKEY
Can I say something to you?
Listen, you was really, really somethin' back here. Incredible!
SHREK
Are you talkin' to...
Shrek turns around and Donkey is gone.
SHREK
me?
Shrek turns back around and Donkey is right in front of him.
SHREK
Whoa!
DONKEY
Yes. I was talkin' to you!
Can I tell you that you that you was great back there? Those guards! They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam!
They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that.
SHREK
Oh, that's great. Really.
DONKEY
Man, it's good to be free.
SHREK
Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom
with your own friends? Hmm?
DONKEY
But, uh, I don't have any friends.
And I'm not goin' out there by myself.
Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea!
I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us.
Shrek turns and regards Donkey for a moment before roaring very loudly.
DONKEY
Oh, wow! That was really scary.
If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work,
your breath certainly will get the job done,
'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks! Man!
You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time...
Shrek covers his mouth but Donkey continues to talk, so Shrek removes his hand.
DONKEY
...then I ate some rotten berries.
Man, I had strong gases leaking out of my butt that day. SHREK
Why are you following me?
DONKEY
I'll tell you why.
(Singing) 'Cause I'm all alone, There's no one here beside me, My problems have all gone, There's no one to deride me, But you gotta have faith...
SHREK
Stop singing!
Well, it's no wonder you don't have any friends. DONKEY
Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest. SHREK
Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I? DONKEY
(Looks all the way up at Shrek.)
Uh ...really tall?
SHREK
No! I'm an ogre! You know.
"Grab your torch and pitchforks."
Doesn't that bother you?
DONKEY
Nope.
SHREK
Really?
DONKEY
Really, really.
SHREK
Oh.
DONKEY
Man, I like you. What's you name?
SHREK
Uh, Shrek.
DONKEY
Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek?
You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing. I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right.
Shrek and Donkey come over a hill and you can see Shrek's cottage.
DONKEY
Whoa! Look at that. Who'd want to live in place like that?
SHREK
That would be my home.
DONKEY
Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful.
You know you are quite a decorator.
It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder.
Shrek walks past all the “keep out” & “beware” signs he has erected.
DONKEY
I guess you don't entertain much, do you?
SHREK
I like my privacy.
DONKEY
You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that big awkward silence, you know.
Big awkward silence.
DONKEY
Can I stay with you?
SHREK
Uh, what?
DONKEY
Can I stay with you, please?
SHREK
(Sarcastically) Of course!
DONKEY
Really?

SHREK
No.
DONKEY
Please! I don't wanna go back there!
You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. (Pause while he looks at Shrek.)
Well, maybe you do.
But that's why we gotta stick together.
You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!
SHREK
Okay! Okay! But one night only.
DONKEY
Ah! Thank you!
Donkey runs inside Shrek’s cottage.
CUT TO: INT. DAYTIME. SHREK’S COTTAGE. SHREK
What are you...? Donkey hops up onto a confortable armchair.
SHREK
Ah, No! No!
DONKEY
This is gonna be fun!
We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles. SHREK
Oh!
DONKEY
Where do, uh, I sleep?
SHREK
(Irritated) Outside!
DONKEY
Oh, well, I guess that's cool.
I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know. (Sniffs.) Here I go. Good night.
CUT TO: EXT. DAYTIME.SHREKS COTTAGE.
Donkey has his head down, walking out of Shrek’s cottage. He looks sad. Behind him, Shrek slams the door. Donkey sighs.
CUT TO: INT. DAYTIME. SHREK’S COTTAGE.
Shrek can hear Donkey outside.
Donkey
I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey.
I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside.
(Sings) I'm all alone...there's no one here beside me...
CUT TO: INT. NIGHT. SHREK’S COTTAGE.
It’s dinnertime. Shrek places an eyeball in a martini and takes a drink. He sits himself down and pulls from his ear a candle made out of earwax, which he lights. Donkey looks in through a window. He is eating when he hears a noise. He stands up with a huff.
SHREK
(To Donkey) I thought I told you to stay outside.
DONKEY
(From the window) I am outside.
There is another noise and Shrek turns. He sees several shadows moving. He finally sees the 3 blind mice on his table.
BLIND MOUSE 1
Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? BLIND MOUSE 2
It's not home, but it'll do just fine. GORDO
(Bouncing on a slug.) What a lovely bed. SHREK
Gotcha.
Shrek grabs Gordo the mouse, but it escapes and lands on his shoulder.
GORDO
I found some cheese. Gordo the mouse bites Shrek's ear.
Shrek grabs the 3 mice.
SHREK
Ow!
GORDO
Blah! Awful stuff.
BLIND MOUSE 1
Is that you, Gordo?
GORDO
How did you know?
SHREK
Enough!
What are you doing in my house?
He gets bumped from behind so he drops the mice.
SHREK
Hey!
Shrek turns and sees the Seven Dwarves with Snow White on the table.
SHREK
Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table.
DWARF
Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.
SHREK
Huh?
Shrek marches into the bedroom. He throws back the curtain. The Big Bad Wolf is lying in bed.
BIG BAD WOLF
What? Shrek drags the wolf to his front door by his collar.
CUT TO: EXT. NIGHT. SHREK’S COTTAGE.
Shrek opens the door and is stunned to see all the fairy tale creatures in his swamp.
SHREK
I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying ogre! What do I have to do to get a little privacy?
He opens the front door to throw the Wolf out and he sees that all the collected Fairy Tale Creatures are on his land.
SHREK
Oh, no. No! No!
Montage of various fairy tale creatures: 3 Bears, Pied Piper with rats, elves, fairies and witches.
SHREK
What are you doing in my swamp? Everyone falls silent. Gasps. Three good fairies hide inside a tent.
SHREK
All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hurry up! Hurry up! THE DWARVES
Hey! Quickly. Come on!
Dwarves run inside the house.
SHREK
No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there. Shrek gives chase, but they shut the door on him. He can’t get in.
SHREK
Oh!
(Turns to look at Donkey).
DONKEY
Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them.
PINOCCHIO
Oh, gosh, no one invited us.
SHREK
What?
PINOCCHIO
We were forced to come here.
SHREK
(Flabbergasted.) By who?
LITTLE PIG
Lord Farquaad. He huffed and he puffed and he...signed an eviction notice.
SHREK
(Heavy sigh.) All right.
Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?
Everyone looks around at each other but no one answers.
DONKEY
Oh, I do. I know where he is.
SHREK
Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all?
DONKEY
Me! Me!
SHREK
Anyone?
DONKEY
Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!
Donkey is bouncing high into the air. Shrek is deliberately ignoring him.
SHREK
(Sigh) Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things.
Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now
and get you all off my land and back where you came from!
Pause. Then the crowd goes wild, clapping and cheering.
SHREK
Oh!
(To Donkey) You! You're comin' with me.
DONKEY
All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends,
off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it! DONKEY
(Singing.) On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek. I can't wait to get on the road again. SHREK
What did I say about singing?
DONKEY
Can I whistle?
SHREK
No.
DONKEY
Can I hum it?
SHREK
All right, hum it.
Donkey begins to hum 'On the Road Again'.
CUT TO: DULOC – TORTURE CHAMBER
Footsteps through a medieval castle. A masked man pours milk into a glass. Lord Farquaad is coming down the corridor. Guards part to let him through. The masked man is torturing the Gingerbread Man by dunking him in the milk. Lord Farquaad walks in.
FARQUAAD
That's enough. He's ready to talk.
The Gingerbread Man is pulled out of the milk and slammed down onto a cookie sheet. Farquaad laughs evilly and walks over to the table. However when he reaches the table we see that it goes up to his eyes. He clears his throat and the table is lowered.
FARQUAAD
(He picks up the Gingerbread Man's legs and plays with them.) Run, run, run, as fast as you can.
You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man. GINGERBREAD MAN
You are a monster.
FARQUAAD
I'm not the monster here. You are.
You and the rest of that fairy tale trash,
poisoning my perfect world.
Now, tell me! Where are the others? GINGERBREAD MAN
Eat me!
(He spits milk into Farquaad’s eye.)
FARQUAAD
I've tried to be fair to you creatures.
Now my patience has reached its end!
Tell me or I'll...
(he pretends to pull off the Gingerbread Man's buttons) GINGERBREAD MAN
No, no, not the buttons.
Not my gumdrop buttons.
FARQUAAD
All right then. Who's hiding them? GINGERBREAD MAN
Okay, I'll tell you.
Do you know the muffin man?
FARQUAAD
The muffin man?
GINGERBREAD MAN
The muffin man.

FARQUAAD
Yes, I know the muffin man,
who lives on Drury Lane? GINGERBREAD MAN
Well, she's married to the muffin man. FARQUAAD
The muffin man? GINGERBREAD MAN
The muffin man! FARQUAAD
She's married to the muffin man.
The door opens and the Head Guard bursts in.
HEAD GUARD
My lord! We found it.
FARQUAAD
Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.
More guards enter carrying something that is covered by a sheet. They hang up whatever it is and remove the covering sheet. It is the Magic Mirror. The guards gasp.
GINGERBREAD MAN
(In awe.) Ahhhh...
FARQUAAD
Magic mirror...
GINGERBREAD MAN
Don't tell him anything! Farquaad whacks him into a trash can, closing the lid.
GINGERBREAD MAN
No!
FARQUAAD
Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall.
Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all? MIRROR
Well, technically you're not a king. FARQUAAD
Uh, Thelonius.
Thelonius holds up a hand mirror and smashes it with his fist.
FARQUAAD
You were saying?
MIRROR
(Nervous.) What I mean is you're not a king yet.
But you can become one.
All you have to do is marry a princess.
FARQUAAD
Go on.
MIRROR
(Chuckles nervously)
So, just sit back and relax, my lord,
because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes.
And here they are!
(Music plays: Love Potion, Herb Alpert)
Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime.
Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters.
Please welcome Cinderella. (Shows picture of Cinderella.) Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy.
Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White! (Picture of Snow White.)
And last, but certainly not least, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from
a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off.
She's a loaded pistol who likes pina coladas
and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona! (Shows picture of Princess Fiona)
So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three? GUARDS
Two! Two! Three! Three! Two! Two! Three! FARQUAAD
Three? One? Three?
THELONIUS
Three! (holds up 2 fingers) Pick number three, my lord! FARQUAAD
Okay, okay, uh, number three!
MIRROR
Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona!
Music Plays: “If you like Pina Coladas...” The guards clap and cheer.
FARQUAAD
Princess Fiona. She's perfect.
All I have to do is just find someone who can go... MIRROR
But I probably should mention the
little thing that happens at night. FARQUAAD
I'll do it.
MIRROR
Yes, but after sunset...
FARQUAAD
Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king! Captain, assemble your finest men.
We're going to have a tournament. (Smiles evilly.)
CUT TO: EXT. DAYTIME. DULOC PARKING LOT (LANCELOT SECTION)
Shrek and Donkey come out of the field that is right by the parking lot. The castle itself is about 40 floors high.
DONKEY
But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it. SHREK
So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle. DONKEY
Uh-huh. That's the place.
SHREK
Do you think maybe he's compensating for something?
He laughs; groans as Donkey doesn't get the joke. They walk through the parking lot.
DONKEY
Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.
MAN
Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.
SHREK
Hey, you!
The attendant, who is wearing a giant head that looks like Lord Farquaad, screams and begins running through the rows of rope to get to the front gate to get away from Shrek.
SHREK
Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - -
Shrek sighs and then begins walking straight through the rows. The attendant runs into a wall and falls down. Shrek and Donkey look at him then continue on into DuLoc.
CUT TO: EXT.DAYTIME. DULOC VILLAGE
They look around but all is quiet.
SHREK
It's quiet. Too quiet. Where is everybody?
DONKEY
Hey, look at this! (Donkey runs over and pulls a lever that is attached to a box marked 'Information'. The music winds up and then the box doors open up. There are little wooden people inside and they begin to sing.)
WOODEN CHARACTERS
Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town! Here we have some rules. Let us lay them down. Don't make waves, stay in line and we'll get along fine! DuLoc is a perfect place! Please keep off of the grass! Shine your shoes, wipe your... face,
DuLoc is, DuLoc is, DuLoc is a perfect place.
Suddenly a camera snaps Donkey and Shrek's picture. It prints out like a photobooth.
DONKEY
Wow! Let's do that again!
Donkey prepares to run over and pull the lever again. He is stopped by Shrek grabbing
 his tail.
No. no. no, no, no, no.
They hear a trumpet fanfare, and follow the sound, heading over to the arena.
SHREK
FARQUAAD
Brave knights. You are the best and brightest in all the land. Today one of you shall prove himself...
Donkey hums the DuLoc theme song as they walk the tunnel to the arena.
SHREK
All right.
You're going the right way for a smacked bottom. DONKEY
Sorry about that.
The crowd in the arena cheers.
CUT TO: INT.DAYTIME.THE ARENA.
Farquuad is addressing his knights and the crowd.
FARQUAAD
That champion shall have the honor -- no, no - -
the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon.
If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful,
the first runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you may die, but it’s a sacrifice I am willing to make.
Crowd cheers.
Farquaad notices Shrek.
FARQUAAD
Let the tournament begin!
FARQUAAD
Oh! What is that? Ugh, it's hideous!
Shrek turns to look at Donkey and then back at Farquaad.
SHREK
Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey.
FARQUAAD
Indeed. Knights, new plan!
The one who kills the ogre will be named champion! Have him!
MEN
Get him!
SHREK
Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now.
Shrek bumps into a table where there are mugs of beer.
Shrek drinks the beer.
CROWD
Go ahead! Get him!
SHREK
(Holds up a mug of beer.) Can't we just settle this over a pint? CROWD
Kill the beast!
SHREK
No? All right then.
SHREK
Come on!
Shrek takes the mug, smashes the spigot off the large barrel of beer and beer floods out,
drenching the knights, turning ground to mud. Shrek picks up a spear. Donkey climbs onto a large beer barrel and rolls it over the top of knights. Various fight scenes happen.
DONKEY
Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!
Shrek comes over and bangs a man's
head up against Donkeys.
Shrek gets up on the ropes and interacts with the crowd.
SHREK
Yeah!
A knight tries to sneak up behind Shrek, but Shrek turns in time and sees him.
WOMAN
The chair! Give him the chair!
Shrek smashes a chair over a knight’s back. Finally all the knights are beaten. Donkey kicks one in the helmet. The ding sounds the end of the match. The audience goes wild.
SHREK
Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much!
I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha! (laughs)
The laughter stops as all of the guards turn their weapons on Shrek. HEAD GUARD
Shall I give the order, sir?
FARQUAAD
No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion! SHREK
What?
FARQUAAD
Congratulations, ogre.
You're won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest. SHREK
Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back. FARQUAAD
Your swamp?
SHREK
Yeah, my swamp!
Where you dumped those fairy tale creatures! FARQUAAD
Indeed. All right, ogre. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me,
and I'll give you your swamp back. SHREK
Exactly the way it was? FARQUAAD
Down to the last slime-covered toadstool. SHREK
And the squatters?
FARQUAAD
As good as gone.
SHREK
What kind of quest?
CUT TO: EXT.DAYTIME.SUNFLOWER FIELD.
Donkey and Shrek are now walking away from DuLoc. Shrek is munching on an onion.
DONKEY
Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon
and rescue a princess just so Farquaad
will give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place. Is that about right? SHREK
You know, maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk. DONKEY
I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that ogre stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress,
grind his bones to make your bread, the whole ogre trip.
Shrek holds out his onion.
SHREK
Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated
an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?
DONKEY
Uh, no, not really, no.
SHREK
For your information,
there's a lot more to ogres than people think. DONKEY
Example?
SHREK
Example? Okay, um, ogres are like onions.
DONKEY
(Sniffs the onion.)
They stink?
SHREK
Yes - - No!
DONKEY
They make you cry?
SHREK
No!
DONKEY
You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs. SHREK
No! Layers! Onions have layers.
Ogres have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers.

Shrek heaves a sigh and then walks off.
DONKEY
(Trailing after Shrek.)
Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs}
You know, not everybody likes onions.
Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers. SHREK
I don't care... what everyone likes. Ogres are not like cakes. DONKEY
You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits.
Have you ever met a person, you say,
"Let's get some parfait," they say,
"Hell no, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious. SHREK
No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Ogres are like onions! End of story. Bye-bye. See ya later. DONKEY
Parfaits may be the most delicious
thing on the whole damn planet.
SHREK
You know, I think I preferred your humming.
DONKEY
Do you have a tissue or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start slobbering.
Donkey and Shrek head off. Montage: Walking through a field at sunset. Sleeping beneath a bright moon. Shrek trying to put the campfire out the next day; Donkey peeing on it to put it out.
Music plays: I’m on my way, The Proclaimers.
CUT TO: EXT. DARK. DRAGON'S KEEP
Shrek and Donkey are walking up to the Dragon’s keep where they can rescue Princess Fiona. It looks like a giant volcano. There is hot molten lava everywhere.
DONKEY
(sniffs) Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?
You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open and everything.
SHREK
Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. (Sniffs) It's brimstone.
We must be getting close.
DONKEY
Yeah, right, brimstone.
Don't be talking about it's the brimstone.
I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone.
It didn't come off no stone neither.
Shrek and Donkey reach the top of the volcano and look down. The castle is surrounded by boiling lava. A rickety wooden bridge leads from volcano into the castle.
SHREK
Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location. Laughs...then his laugh turns into a groan.
DONKEY
Uh, Shrek?
Uh, remember when you said ogres have layers? SHREK
Oh, aye.
DONKEY
Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers.
We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves. SHREK
Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves. DONKEY
You know what I mean.
SHREK
You can't tell me you're afraid of heights. DONKEY
No, I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling like of lava! SHREK
Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support, we’ll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time. DONKEY
Really?
SHREK
Really, really.
DONKEY
Okay, that makes me feel so much better. SHREK
Just keep moving. And don't look down. DONKEY
Okay, don't look down. Don't look down. Don't look down. Keep on moving. Don't look down.
Donkey steps through a rotting board and ends up looking straight down into the lava.
DONKEY
Shrek! I'm lookin' down!
Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please! SHREK
But you're already halfway.
DONKEY
But I know that half is safe!
SHREK
Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back. DONKEY
Shrek, no! Wait!
SHREK
Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me?
Shrek bounces and sways the bridge.
DONKEY
Don't do that!
SHREK
Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? Oh, this? (Bounces the bridge again.) DONKEY
Yes, that!
SHREK
Yes? Yes, do it. Okay.
Shrek continues to bounce and sway as he backs Donkey across the bridge.
DONKEY
No, Shrek! No! Stop it!
SHREK
You said do it! I'm doin' it. Donkey steps onto solid ground.
DONKEY
I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die.
That'll do, Donkey. That'll do. Shrek walks towards the castle.
DONKEY
Cool. So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?
SHREK
Inside, waiting for us to rescue her. (Chuckles.) DONKEY
I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.
CUT TO: INT. DARK. DRAGON’S KEEP
DONKEY
You afraid?
SHREK
No.
DONKEY
But...
SHREK
Shh.
DONKEY
Oh!
SHREK
DONKEY
Ah, good. Me neither. Donkey sees a skeleton and gasps.
DONKEY
'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid.
Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add.
With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward
if you're a little scared, do you know what I mean?
I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that.
Donkey crashes into metal helmets. A helmet lands on his head.
SHREK
Donkey, two things, okay?
Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs.
Shrek takes Donkey’s helmet and puts it on his own head.
DONKEY
Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess.
SHREK
The princess will be up the stairs
in the highest room in the tallest tower. DONKEY
What makes you think she'll be there? SHREK
I read it in a book once.
(Shrek walks off)
DONKEY
Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're goin'. (Donkey walks off.)
CUT TO: INT. DARK. DRAGON’S KEEP. EMPTY ROOM
Donkey is still talking to himself as he looks around the room.
DONKEY
I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I’m the stair master.
I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here, right here. I'd step all over it.
Unbeknownst to Donkey, the Dragon has seen him. She opens one eye.
CUT TO: INT. DARK. DRAGON’S KEEP ELSEWHERE
Shrek spots a light in the tallest tower window.
SHREK
Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the...
DONKEY
(Interrupts, yelling.) Dragon!
Donkey gasps and takes off running. Dragon smashes her way through and gives chase. Donkey runs from the fireball. Just as the dragon releases a second fireball, Shrek grabs Donkey out of the way.
SHREK
Donkey, look out! The dragon continues to chase Donkey; Shrek grabs the dragon’s tail, distracting it.
SHREK
Got ya!
The dragon gets irritated at this and flicks its tail and Shrek goes flying through the air and crashes through the roof of the tallest tower.
CUT TO: INT. LIGHT. FIONA’S TOWER
Fiona wakes up with a start and sees Shrek lying on the floor.
CUT TO: INT. DARK. DRAGON’S KEEP ELSEWHERE
The Dragon is still chasing Donkey. She is breathing fire and being terrifying.
DONKEY
Oh! Aah! Aah!
Donkey gets cornered as the Dragon repeatedly knocks away all but a small part of the bridge he's standing on.
DONKEY
No. Oh, no, no!
DRAGON
(Rumbles.)
DONKEY
Oh, what large teeth you have.
DRAGON
(Growls.)
DONKEY
I mean white, sparkling teeth.
I know you probably hear this all time from your food,
but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness?
And you know what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure!
I mean, of course you're a girl dragon
cos you're just reeking of feminine beauty. DRAGON
(Flutters her eyelids at Donkey.)
DONKEY
What's the matter with you?
You got something in your eye?
DRAGON
(Blows a heart-shaped smoke ring.) DONKEY
Ohh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay,
but you know, I'm, uh...(coughs)
I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings and stuff... Shrek! DRAGON
(Picks Donkey up with her teeth and carries him off.) DONKEY
Ahhh, no! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!
CUT TO: INT. LIGHT. FIONA’S TOWER
Shrek groans as he gets up off the floor. His back is to Fiona so she straightens her dress and lays back down on the bed. She then quickly reaches over and gets the bouquet of flowers off the side table. She then lays back down and appears to be asleep. Shrek turns and goes over to her. He looks down at Fiona for a moment and she puckers her lips. Shrek takes her by the shoulders and shakes her awake.
FIONA
Oh! Oh!
SHREK
Wake up!
FIONA
What?
SHREK
Are you Princess Fiona?
FIONA
I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.
SHREK
Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!
FIONA
But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment? SHREK
Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.
FIONA
Hey, wait. What are you doing?
You know, you should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed.
SHREK
You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?
FIONA
(Smiling.) Mm-hmm.
Shrek breaks the lock on her door and pulls her out and down the hallway. They start running through the Dragon’s Keep.
FIONA
But we have to savor this moment!
You could recite an epic poem for me.
A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something! SHREK
I don't think so.
FIONA
Can I at least know the name of my champion? SHREK
Uh, Shrek.
FIONA
Sir Shrek. (clears throat and holds out a handkerchief)
I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.
SHREK
Thanks!
Suddenly they hear the dragon roar.
FIONA
(Surprised.) You didn't slay the dragon?
SHREK
It's on my to-do list. Now come on!
(Takes off running, dragging Fiona behind him.)
FIONA
But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did.
SHREK
Yeah, right before they burst into flame.
FIONA
That's not the point.
Shrek suddenly stops and she runs into him.
FIONA
Oh!
Shrek ignores her and heads for a wooden door off to the side.
FIONA
Wait. Where are you going? The exit's over there.
SHREK
Well, I have to save my ass.
FIONA
What kind of knight are you?
SHREK
One of a kind.
Shrek opens the door into the throne room, where the Dragon is sitting with Donkey. She has her tail wrapped around him so he cannot escape.
DONKEY
Slow down. Slow down, baby, please.
I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long period of time. Just call me old-fashioned. (laughs worriedly)
DRAGON
(Rumbles gently.)
DONKEY
I don't want to rush into a physical relationship.
I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - - Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - DRAGON
(Gently touches Donkey on the chin with her claw.)
DONKEY
Hey, that is unwanted physical contact.
Hey, what are you doing?
DRAGON
(Gently breathes fire on the chandelier to light it.)
DONKEY
Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time.
I mean we really should get to know each other first
as friends or maybe even as pen pals.
Shrek climbs up to a chain, ready to swing into the room. He swings in and starts climbing up towards the chandelier.
DONKEY
I'm on the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards - I'd really love to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission
- - What are you gonna do with that?
Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh!
Shrek’s chain unwinds just as the Dragon is about to kiss Donkey. He bumps Donkey out of the way and the Dragon kisses Shrek’s butt instead. She opens her eyes and roars. Shrek lets go of the chain and the chandelier falls over the dragon’s head, forming a collar. She roars again and Shrek and Donkey take off running up some stone stairs. Shrek grabs Donkey and Princess Fiona as he runs past her.
DONKEY
Hi, Princess!
FIONA
It talks!
SHREK
Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick.
The dragon gains on them. Shrek jumps on a descending slide but there is a crack in the stone which hits Shrek in the groin. He stumbles off the bottom.
SHREK
Oh!
Shrek gets them close to the exit and sets down Donkey and Fiona.
SHREK
Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon.
Shrek grabs a sword and heads back toward the interior of the castle. He throws the sword down in between several overlapping chain links. The chain links are attached to the chandelier that is still around the dragon’s neck.
SHREK
(Echoing.) Run!
They race for the exit with the dragon in pursuit. At the wooden bridge, the dragon’s fire starts to burn the bridge and part of it collapses. Shrek, Donkey and Princess Fiona hang on the other side. The dragon attempts to fly to them, but is restrained by the chain and chandelier. The others climb to safety. The dragon looks angry before giving a sad whimper as Donkey walks away.
CUT TO: EXT. DAYTIME. ACROSS FROM THE DRAGON’S KEEP.
Safely on the other side, the trio begin their journey back to DuLoc.
FIONA
(Sliding down the volcanic hill.)
You did it! You rescued me! You're amazing.
Donkey tumbles down the hill behind her.
FIONA
You're - - You're wonderful. You're... Princess Fiona turns to see Shrek tumble down, banging into Donkey.
FIONA
...a little unorthodox I'll admit. But thy deed is great, and thy heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt.
Donkey clears his throat.
FIONA
And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed?
DONKEY
I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed.
She thinks I'm a steed.
FIONA
The battle is won.
You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.
SHREK
Uh, no.
FIONA
Why not?
SHREK
I have helmet hair.
FIONA
Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.
SHREK
No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.
FIONA
But how will you kiss me?
SHREK
What? (to Donkey) That wasn't in the job description. DONKEY
Maybe it's a perk.
FIONA
No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes.
A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon
is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's first kiss. DONKEY
Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait.
You think that Shrek is your true love?
FIONA
Well, yes. Both Donkey and Shrek burst out laughing.
DONKEY
You think Shrek is your true love!
FIONA
What is so funny?
SHREK
Let's just say I'm not your type, okay?
FIONA
Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your helmet. SHREK
Look. I really don't think this is a good idea. FIONA
Just take off the helmet.
SHREK
I'm not going to.
FIONA
Take it off.
SHREK
No!
FIONA
Now!
SHREK
Okay! Easy. As you command.
Your Highness. (Takes off his helmet.) FIONA
You- - You're a- - an ogre.
SHREK
Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.
FIONA
Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong.
You're not supposed to be an ogre.
SHREK
Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay?
He is the one who wants to marry you.
FIONA
Then why didn't he come rescue me?
SHREK
Good question.
You should ask him that when we get there.
FIONA
But I have to be rescued by my true love,
not by some ogre and his -- his pet.
DONKEY
Well, so much for noble steed.
SHREK
You're not making my job any easier.
FIONA
I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem.
You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here.
SHREK
Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right?
(Ominous) I'm a delivery boy.
FIONA
You wouldn't dare.
Shrek picks Princess Fiona up and swings her over his shoulder.
FIONA
Ah! Put me down!
SHREK
Ya comin', Donkey?
DONKEY
I'm right behind ya.
FIONA
Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put me down!
CUT TO: EXT. DAYTIME. THE WOODS
Time has passed and Fiona has calmed down. She is still carried over Shrek’s shoulder, hanging there, bored.
DONKEY
Okay, so here's another question.
Say there's a woman that digs you, right,
but you don't really like her that way.
Now how do you let her down real easy
so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten? How you do that? FIONA
You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knowest what happens when you find your...
Shrek deliberately bumps Fiona, startling her, he smiles, which she doesn’t see.
FIONA
Hey! The sooner we get to DuLoc the better.
DONKEY
You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful!
FIONA
And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like?
SHREK
Let me put it this way, Princess.
Shrek drops Princess Fiona unceremoniously to the ground. He walks to a watering hole.
SHREK
Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply.
Donkey and Shrek laugh. Shrek continues to the watering hole, splashing water on his face to clean it.
DONKEY
No, Shrek. There are those who think little of him! Shrek and Donkey laugh, Fiona is irritated.
FIONA
Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You know,
you're just jealous you can never measure up
to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.
SHREK
Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess.
But I'll let you do the "measuring" when you see him tomorrow.
The sun is setting.
FIONA
(Gasps) Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp? SHREK
No, that'll take longer. We can keep going. FIONA
But there's robbers in the woods.
DONKEY
Whoa! Time out, Shrek!
Camp is definitely starting to sound good.
SHREK
Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this forest. FIONA
I need to find somewhere to camp now!
Both Donkey and Shrek's ears lower as they shrink away from her. Fiona is scary!
CUT TO: EXT. SUNSET. MOUNTAIN CLIFF
Shrek has found a cave that appears to be in good order. He shoves a stone boulder out of the way to reveal the cave.
SHREK
Hey! Over here.
DONKEY
Shrek, we can do better than that.
I don't think this is fit for a princess.
FIONA
No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches. SHREK
Homey touches? Like what?
Princess Fiona tears bark off of a tree.
FIONA
A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night. Fiona enters the cave and puts the bark door up behind her.
DONKEY
You want me to read you a bedtime story? Cos I will.
FIONA
I said good night!
Shrek and Donkey are taken aback by Fiona’s manner. Shrek begins to move the boulder back in front of the entrance to the cave with Fiona still inside.
DONKEY
Shrek, What are you doing?
SHREK
(Laughs.) I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding.
CUT TO: EXT. NIGHT. CAMPFIRE
Shrek and Donkey are sitting around a campfire. It’s a dark sky with thousands of stars. They are staring up into the sky as Shrek points out certain star constellations to Donkey.
SHREK
And, uh, that one, that's Throwback,
the only ogre to ever spit over three wheat fields. DONKEY
Right. Yeah. Hey, can you tell my future from these stars? SHREK
The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent.
You can guess what he's famous for. (Laughs.) DONKEY
I know you're making this up.
SHREK
No, look. There he is, and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench.
DONKEY
That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots.
SHREK
You know, Donkey, sometimes things
are more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it.
DONKEY
(Heaves a big sigh.) Hey, Shrek,
what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway? SHREK
Our swamp?
DONKEY
You know, when we're through rescuing the princess. SHREK
We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our".
There's just me and my swamp.
The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall around my land. DONKEY
You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now.
Hey, you know what I think?
I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out. SHREK
No, do ya think?
DONKEY
Are you hidin' something?
SHREK
Never mind, Donkey.
DONKEY
Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it? SHREK
No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things. DONKEY
Why don't you want to talk about it?
SHREK
Why do you want to talk about it?
DONKEY
Why are you blocking?
SHREK
I'm not blocking.
DONKEY
Oh, yes, you are.
SHREK
Donkey, I'm warning you.
DONKEY
Who you trying to keep out?
Does tell me Shrek, who?
SHREK
Everyone! Okay?
DONKEY
(Pause.) Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere. (Grins.) SHREK
Oh! For the love of Pete!
Unseen by Shrek and Donkey, Fiona has pulled her door back from the cave entrance and is looking at them. Shrek gets up, walks to the edge of the cliff and sits down.
DONKEY
Hey what's your problem, Shrek?
What you got against the whole world anyway, huh? SHREK
Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay?
It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go.
"Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly ogre!" (Lets out a sigh.) They judge me before they even know me.
That's why I'm better off alone.
Fiona watches intently from her cave hideout. She listens, then closes the door again.
DONKEY
You know what?
When we met, I didn't think you
was just a big, stupid, ugly ogre.
SHREK
Yeah, I know.
DONKEY
So, uh, are there any donkeys up there? SHREK
Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying. DONKEY
Okay, okay, I see it now.
The big shiny one, right there.
That one there?
SHREK
That's the moon.
DONKEY
Oh, okay.
CUT TO: INT. NIGHT. DULOC. FARQUAAD’S BEDROOM.
The camera pans past Princess Fiona’s wedding dress and Lord Farquaad’s wedding regalia. Soft Shrek theme music plays in the background. Farquaad is in bed, with the Magic Mirror repeatedly showing him scenes of Fiona.
FARQUAAD
Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me! Show me the princess.
MIRROR
Hmph.
The Mirror rewinds and begins to play again from the beginning.
FARQUAAD
Ah. Perfect.
Farquaad looks down at his bare chest and pulls the sheet up to cover himself as though Fiona could see him as he gazes sheepishly at her image in the mirror.
CUT TO: EXT. MORNING. THE FOREST.
Fiona walks out of the cave. Shrek and Donkey are still sleeping. She wanders off into the woods and comes across a blue bird who begins to sing. The bird sings along with her. She hits higher and higher notes and the bird struggles to keep up with her. Suddenly the pressure of the note is too big and the bird explodes. Fiona takes the eggs that the bird left behind and cooks them for breakfast.
DONKEY
(Quietly) Mmm, yeah, you know I like, it like that. Ah, come on, baby. I said I like it.
SHREK
Donkey, wake up.
 Shrek shakes him awake.
DONKEY
Huh? What?
SHREK
Wake up.
DONKEY
What?
(He stretches and yawns.)
FIONA
Good morning. Hmm, how do you like your eggs?

DONKEY
Oh, good morning, Princess!
SHREK
What's all this about?
FIONA
You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you.
I mean, after all, you did rescue me.
Fiona sets down the eggs in front of Donkey and Shrek.
SHREK
Uh, thanks. Donkey sniffs the eggs and licks his lips.
FIONA
Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us.
CUT TO: EXT. MORNING. THE FOREST. LATER.
Shrek, Donkey & Princess Fiona continue their journey to DuLoc. Shrek belches.
DONKEY
Shrek!
SHREK
What? It's a compliment.
Better out than in, I always say. (laughs) DONKEY
Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess.
FIONA
Thanks.
 Fiona belches.
DONKEY
She's as nasty as you are.
SHREK
(Chuckles.) You know, you're not exactly what I expected.
FIONA
Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them. She smiles
and then continues walking, singing softly. Suddenly from out of nowhere, a man swings down and swoops Fiona up into a tree.
ROBIN HOOD
La liberte! Hey!
SHREK
Princess!
FIONA
(to Robin Hood) What are you doing? ROBIN HOOD
Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior!
And I am rescuing you from this green...
Robin Hood kisses up her arm while Fiona pulls back in disgust
FIONA
...beast!
SHREK
Hey! That's my princess!
Go find your own!
ROBIN HOOD
Please, monster!
Can't you see I'm a little busy here? FIONA
(Getting fed up.)
Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are!
ROBIN HOOD
Oh! Of course! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduce myself. Oh, Merry Men! (Laughs)
Suddenly an accordion begins to play and the merry men jump from the bushes. They begin to sing Robin Hood's theme song.
MERRY MEN
Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.
ROBIN HOOD
I steal from the rich and give to the needy.
MERRY MEN
He takes a wee percentage,
ROBIN HOOD
But I'm not greedy.
I rescue pretty damsels, man, I'm good.
MERRY MEN
What a guy, Monsieur Hood.
ROBIN HOOD
Break it down. (Dancing.)
I like an honest fight and a saucy little maid...
MERRY MEN
What he's basically saying is he likes to get...
ROBIN HOOD
Paid. So...When an ogre in the bush grabs a lady by the tush. That's bad. MERRY MEN
That's bad. That’s Bad. That’s Bad.
ROBIN HOOD
When a beauty's with a beast it makes me awfully mad. MERRY MEN
He's mad, he's really, really mad.
ROBIN HOOD
I'll take my blade and ram it through your heart, keep your eyes on me, boys 'cause I'm about to start...
Fiona swings down from the tree, knocking Robin Hood unconscious.
FIONA
Man, that was annoying! Shrek looks at her in admiration.
MERRY MAN
Oh, you little- -
A merry man shoots an arrow at Fiona, she ducks it. This launches a fight scene. Princess Fiona karate chops and punches all the merry men until there are no men left standing. Donkey and Shrek are stunned.
FIONA
Uh, shall we?
SHREK
(To Donkey) Hold the phone.
Shrek drops Donkey, who lands heavily, and begins walking after Fiona.
SHREK
Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from? FIONA
What?
SHREK
That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that?
FIONA
Well...(laughs) when one lives alone, uh,
one has to learn these things in case there's a... (gasps and points) there's an arrow in your butt! SHREK
What? (Turns and looks.) Oh, would you look at that?
Shrek begins to pull it out but flinches.
FIONA
Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry.
DONKEY
(Walking up) Why? What's wrong?
FIONA
Shrek's hurt.
DONKEY
Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt?
Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die.
SHREK
Donkey, I'm okay.
DONKEY
You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the Heimlich?
FIONA
Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek,
run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns.
DONKEY
Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it.
Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns.
Don't die Shrek and if you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light! SHREK & FIONA
Donkey!
DONKEY
Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.
Blue flower, red thorns. (Donkey runs off.)
SHREK
What are the flowers for?
FIONA
For getting rid of Donkey.
SHREK
Ah.
FIONA
Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out.
(Fiona pulls the arrow a little.)
SHREK
(jumps away) Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'.
Fiona keeps going after the arrow and Shrek keeps dodging her.
FIONA
I'm sorry, but it has to come out.
SHREK
No, it's tender.
FIONA
Now, hold on.
SHREK
What you're doing is the opposite of help.
FIONA
Don't move.
SHREK
Look, look, time out.
FIONA
Would you...
Shrek puts his hand over Fiona’s face to stop her from getting at the arrow.
FIONA
Okay. What do you propose we do?
CUT TO: EXT. DAYTIME. FOREST.
Meanwhile, Donkey is still looking for the special flower.
DONKEY
Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind!
Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns.
SHREK
Ow!
DONKEY
Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'!
Donkey rips a flower from a nearby bush. It is blue with red thorns.
CUT TO: EXT. DAYTIME. FOREST.
Fiona and Shrek are still attending to the arrow in Shrek’s butt. Donkey hurries back to them.
SHREK
Ow! Not good.
FIONA
Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head. (Shrek grunts as she pulls) It's just about... SHREK
Ow! Ohh!
Shrek jerks. He falls over with Fiona on top of him.
DONKEY
(Clears his throat.)
SHREK
Nothing happened.
(He throws Fiona off.)
We were just, uh - -
DONKEY
Look, if you wanted to be alone,
all you had to do was ask. Okay? SHREK
Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just—
Fiona pulls the arrow out.
SHREK
Ugh!
Shrek turns to look at Fiona who holds up the arrow triumphantly.
SHREK
Ow!
DONKEY
Hey, what's that?
(Nervous chuckle.) That's...is that blood?
CUT TO: EXT. DAYTIME. FOREST.
Donkey faints. Shrek picks him up as they continue on their way. (Music plays.) A montage of scenes including:
• Shrek crawling up to the top of a tree to make a bridge over a creek.
• Shrek swatting at a bunch of flies and mosquitoes.
• Fiona using a spiderweb to catch bugs.
• Shrek catching a toad which he blows up like a balloon for Fiona.
• Fiona catching a snake, blowing it up as a balloon animal for Shrek. CUT TO: EXT. DAYTIME. FOREST.
The group finally reach a windmill. In the distance is DuLoc.
SHREK
There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you.
FIONA
That's DuLoc?
DONKEY
Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for something,
which I think means he has a really...
 Shrek steps heavily on his hoof.
DONKEY
Ow!
SHREK
Um, I, uh- - I guess we better move on.
FIONA
Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey.
SHREK
What?
FIONA
I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good.
DONKEY
What are you talking about? I'm fine.
FIONA
(Fiona kneels to look him in the eyes.)
That's what they always say,
and then next thing you know, you're on your back... (pause) dead!
SHREK
You know, she's right. You look awful.
|Do you want to sit down?
FIONA
Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.
DONKEY
I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look,
(turns his neck in a very sharp way until
his head is completely sideways) Ow! See?
SHREK
Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.
FIONA
I'll get the firewood.
DONKEY
Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! (looks down and yelps)
I don't have any toes! I think I need a hug.

CUT TO: EXT. SUNSET. FOREST.
Shrek has built a fire and is cooking the rest of dinner while Fiona eats.
FIONA
Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this?
SHREK
Uh, weed rat. Rotisserie style.
FIONA
No kidding. Well, this is delicious.
SHREK
Well, they're also great in stews.
Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean weed rat stew. (Fiona chuckles.) Fiona looks at DuLoc and sighs.
FIONA
I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.
SHREK
Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime.
I'll cook all kind of stuff for you.
Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it.
FIONA
(Smiles) I'd like that.
 They smile at each other.
SHREK
Um, Princess?
FIONA
Yes, Shrek?
SHREK
I, um, I was wondering...are you...(sighs) Are you gonna eat that?
DONKEY
(chuckles) Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset.
FIONA
(jumps up) Sunset? Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late.
SHREK
What!
DONKEY
Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here.
You're afraid of the dark, aren't you?
FIONA
Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified.
You know, I'd better go inside.
DONKEY
Don't feel bad, Princess.
I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until -
Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark.
(Shrek sighs.)
FIONA
Good night.
SHREK
Good night. Fiona goes inside the windmill and closes the door. Donkey looks at Shrek with a new eye.
DONKEY
Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here.
SHREK
Oh, what are you talkin' about?
DONKEY
I don't even wanna hear it.
Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts.
And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it. SHREK
You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad. DONKEY
Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel.

SHREK
I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do '
cause I don't - - she's a princess, and I'm
DONKEY
An ogre?
SHREK
Yeah. An ogre.
DONKEY
Hey, where you goin'?
SHREK
- -
To get... move firewood. (sighs)
Donkey looks over at the large pile of firewood there already is.
CUT TO: INT. NIGHT. THE WINDMILL.
Donkey opens the door to the Windmill and walks in. Fiona is nowhere to be seen.
DONKEY
Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you? Princess? Fiona looks at Donkey from the shadows, but we can't see her.
DONKEY
It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games. Suddenly Fiona falls from the railing.
She gets up only she doesn’t look like herself.
She looks like an ogre and Donkey starts freaking out. DONKEY
Aah!
FIONA
Oh, no!
DONKEY
No, help!

FIONA
Shh!
DONKEY
Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!
FIONA
No, it's okay. It's okay.
DONKEY
What did you do with the princess?
FIONA
But Donkey, I'm the princess.
DONKEY
Aah!
FIONA
It's me, in this body.
DONKEY
Oh, my God! You ate the princess.
(To her stomach.) Can you hear me? FIONA
Donkey!
DONKEY
(Still aimed at her stomach.)
Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there! FIONA
No!
DONKEY
Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!
FIONA
Shh.
DONKEY
Shrek!
FIONA
This is me. Donkey looks into her eyes
as she pets his muzzle, and he quiets down.
DONKEY
Princess? What happened to you?
You're, uh, uh, uh, different.
FIONA
I'm ugly, okay?
DONKEY
Well, yeah! Was it something you ate?
'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea.
You are what you eat, I said. Now - -
FIONA
No. I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember. DONKEY
What do you mean?
Look, I ain't never seen you like this before.
FIONA
It only happens when sun goes down.
"By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form." DONKEY
Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry.
FIONA
It's a spell. (sigh)
When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me.
Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast!
I was placed in a tower to await the day
my true love would rescue me.
That's why I have to marry Lord Farquaad
tomorrow before the sun sets
and he sees me like this. (She begins to cry.)
DONKEY
All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad.
You're not that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly.
But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7.

FIONA
But Donkey, I'm a princess,
and this is not how a princess is meant to look. DONKEY
Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad? FIONA
I have to. Only my true love's kiss can break the spell. DONKEY
But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge,
and Shrek - - well, you got a lot in common. FIONA
Shrek?
Outside, Shrek is walking towards the windmill with a sunflower in his hand.
SHREK
(To himself) Princess, I - - Uh, how’s it going, first of all?
Good? Um, good for me too. I'm okay.
I saw this flower and thought of you because it's pretty and - -
well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh...(sighs)
I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go.
Shrek walks up to the door and pauses outside when he hears Donkey and Fiona talking.
FIONA
I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" don't go together.
That's why I can't stay here with Shrek. Shrek steps back in shock. My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love.
Shrek heaves a deep sigh. He throws the flower down and walks away.
FIONA
Don't you see, Donkey?
That's just how it has to be.
It's the only way to break the spell.
DONKEY
You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.
FIONA
No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know. DONKEY
What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets? FIONA
Promise you won't tell. Promise!
DONKEY
All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should.
(goes outside) I just know before this is over,
I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy.
Look at my eye twitchin'.
Fiona comes out the door and watches him walk away. She looks down and spots the sunflower. She picks it up before going back inside the windmill.
CUT TO: INT. MORNING. THE WINDMILL.
Donkey is asleep. Shrek is nowhere to be seen. Fiona is still awake. She is plucking petals from the sunflower.
FIONA
I tell him, I tell him not.
I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him.
Fiona exits the windmill, looking for Shrek, to tell him the truth.
FIONA
Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want...
The sun rises and Fiona turns back into a human. Shrek stomps towards her.
FIONA
Shrek. Are you all right?
SHREK
Perfect! Never been better.
FIONA
I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you.
SHREK
You don't have to tell me anything, Princess.
I heard enough last night.
FIONA
You heard what I said?
SHREK
Every word.
FIONA
I thought you'd understand.
SHREK
Oh, I understand.
Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?" FIONA
But I thought that wouldn't matter to you. SHREK
Yeah? Well, it does.
Fiona looks at him in shock. He looks past her and spots a group approaching.
SHREK
Ah, right on time.
Princess, I've brought you a little something.
Farquaad has arrived with a group of his men. He looks very regal sitting up on his horse. You would never guess that he's only like 3 feet tall. Donkey wakes up with a yawn as the soldiers march by.
DONKEY
What'd I miss? What'd I miss?
(Donkey spots the soldiers.)
SOLDIER
(Muffled) Who said that? Couldn't have been the donkey. FARQUAAD
Princess Fiona.
SHREK
As promised. Now hand it over. FARQUAAD
Very well, ogre.
Farquaad holds out title deed.
FARQUAAD
The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed. Take it and go before I change my mind.
Shrek takes the title deed to the swamp.
FARQUAAD
Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me,
for I have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad.
FIONA
Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no.
Farquaad snaps his fingers.
Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short...
She watches as Farquaad is lifted off his horse and set down in front of her. He reaches her waist.
FIONA
...farewell.
FARQUAAD
Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the ogre. It's not like it has feelings.
FIONA
No, you're right. It doesn't.
Donkey watches this exchange with a curious look on his face. FARQUAAD
Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawless Fiona.
I ask your hand in marriage.
Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom? FIONA
Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - - FARQUAAD
(Interrupting) Excellent!
I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed!
FIONA
No! I mean, uh, why wait?
Let's get married today before the sun sets.
FIONA

FARQUAAD
Oh, anxious, are you? You're right.
The sooner, the better. There's so much to do! There's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests!
A guard puts Fiona on the back of Farquaad’s horse.
FIONA
Fare-thee-well, ogre.
Farquaad's whole party begins to head back to DuLoc. Donkey watches them go.
DONKEY
Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away.
SHREK
Yeah? So what?
DONKEY
Shrek, there's something about her you don't know.
Look, I talked to her last night, She's - -
SHREK
I know you talked to her last night.
You're great pals, aren't ya?
Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home? DONKEY
Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.
SHREK
I told you, didn't I?
You're not coming home with me. I live alone!
My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!
DONKEY
But I thought - -
SHREK
Yeah. You know what? You thought wrong! (Shrek stomps off.)(Music plays.)
CUT TO: MONTAGE OF DIFFERENT SCENES.
• Shrek arriving back home.
• Fiona being fitted for the wedding dress.
• Donkey at a stream running into the dragon.
• Shrek cleaning up his house.
• Fiona eating dinner alone.
• Shrek eating dinner alone.
CUT TO: INT/EXT. DAYTIME. SHREKS HOUSE.
Shrek is eating dinner when he hears a sound outside. He goes outside to investigate.
SHREK
Donkey? Donkey ignores him and continues with what he's doing.
SHREK
What are you doing?
DONKEY
I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one.
SHREK
Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it.
DONKEY
It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half.
SHREK
Oh! Your half. Hmm.
DONKEY
Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess.
I did half the work. I get half the booty.
Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head. SHREK
Back off!
DONKEY
No, you back off.
SHREK
This is my swamp!
DONKEY
Our swamp.
Shrek grabs the tree branch Donkey is working with.
SHREK
Let go, Donkey!
DONKEY
You let go.
SHREK
Stubborn jackass!
DONKEY
Smelly ogre.
SHREK
Fine! Shrek drops the tree branch and walks away.
DONKEY
Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet.
SHREK
Well, I'm through with you.
DONKEY
Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!"
Well, guess what! Now it's my turn!
So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away. SHREK
Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back? DONKEY
Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other! SHREK
Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey.
I forgive you... for stabbin' me in the back! Shrek goes into the outside toilet and slams the door.
DONKEY
Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings.
SHREK
Go away!
DONKEY
There you are, doing it again just like you did to Fiona. A ll she ever do was like you, maybe even love you.
SHREK
Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of you talking. DONKEY
She wasn't talkin' about you.
She was talkin' about, uh, somebody else.
SHREK
(Shrek opens the door and comes out.)
She wasn't talking about me?
Well, then who was she talking about?
DONKEY
Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything.
You don't wanna listen to me. Right? Right?
SHREK
Donkey!
DONKEY
No!
SHREK
Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right? (Sigh.)
I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly ogre.
Can you forgive me?
DONKEY
Hey, that's what friends are for, right?
SHREK
Right. Friends?
DONKEY
Friends.
SHREK
So, um, what did Fiona say about me?
DONKEY
What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her? SHREK
The wedding! We'll never make it in time. DONKEY
Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where there's a will, there's a way and I have a way.

Donkey whistles and the dragon that was guarding Princess Fiona in the tower arrives overhead and flies low enough so they can climb on.
SHREK
Donkey?
DONKEY
I guess it's just my animal magnetism.
(They both laugh.)
SHREK
Aw, come here, you.
(Shrek gives Donkey a cuddle.)
DONKEY
All right, all right. Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All right, hop on and hold on tight.
I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet.
They climb aboard the dragon and she races towards DuLoc.
CUT TO: INT. DAYTIME. DULOC CHURCH.
Princess Fiona and Lord Farquaad are getting married. The whole town is there. The prompter card guy holds up various cards which instruct the audience what to do.
PRIEST
People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witness to the union....
FIONA
(Eyeing the setting sun)
Um-
PRIEST
...of our new king...
FIONA
Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"?
FARQUAAD
(Chuckles and then motions to the priest to indulge Fiona.) Go on.
CUT TO: EXT. DAYTIME. DULOC COURTYARD.
Guards are milling around. The dragon lands heavily, scattering the guards.
DONKEY
(to Dragon) Go ahead, have some fun.
If we need you, I'll whistle. How about that?
The dragon nods and goes after the guards.
DONKEY
Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute!
You wanna do this right, don't you?
SHREK
(At the Church door)
What are you talking about?
DONKEY
There's a line you gotta wait for.
The preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!"
SHREK
I don't have time for this!
DONKEY
Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me!
Look, you love this woman, don't you?
SHREK
Yes.
DONKEY
You wanna hold her?
SHREK
Yes.
DONKEY
Please her?
SHREK
Yes!
DONKEY
(Singing James Brown style) Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. (Normal) The chicks love that romantic crap!
SHREK
All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line?
DONKEY
We gotta check it out.
CUT TO: INT. DAYTIME. DULOC CHURCH.
As the priest talks Donkey's shadow is crossing past one of the windows. Shrek is tossing him up so he can see what is going on.
PRIEST
And so, by the power vested in me...
CUT TO: EXT. DAYTIME. DULOC COURTYARD.
SHREK
What do you see?
DONKEY
The whole town's in there. Inside.
CUT TO: INT. DAYTIME. DULOC CHURCH. PRIEST
I now pronounce you husband and wife...
CUT TO: EXT. DAYTIME. DULOC COURTYARD. DONKEY
They're at the altar.
CUT TO: INT. DAYTIME. DULOC CHURCH. PRIEST
...king and queen.
CUT TO: EXT. DAYTIME. DULOC COURTYARD.
DONKEY
Mother Fletcher! He already said it.
SHREK
Oh, for the love of Pete!
Shrek runs inside without catching Donkey, who hits the ground hard.
CUT TO: INT. DAYTIME. DULOC CHURCH.
SHREK
(Running toward the alter) I object!
FIONA
Shrek?
The whole congregation gasps as they see Shrek.
FARQUAAD
Oh, now what does he want?
SHREK
(to congregation as he reaches the front of the Church) Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya?
I love DuLoc, first of all. Very clean.
FIONA
What are you doing here?
SHREK
Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding...
SHREK
Fiona! I need to talk to you.
FIONA
Oh, now you wanna talk?
It's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me - - SHREK
But you can't marry him.
FIONA
And why not?
SHREK
Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king. FARQUAAD
Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.
SHREK
He's not your true love.
FIONA
And what do you know about true love?
SHREK
Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - -

FARQUAAD
Oh, this is precious.
The ogre has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord. (He laughs.)
The usher holds up a prompter card that says 'Laugh' so the whole congregation laughs.
FARQUAAD
An ogre and a princess!
FIONA
Shrek, is this true?
FARQUAAD
Who cares? It's preposterous!
Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me!
Lord Farquaad puckers his lips and leans toward her for a kiss, but she pulls back.
FIONA
(looking at the setting sun)
"By night one way, by day another." (To Shrek.) I wanted to show you before.
She backs up towards the windows. As the sun sets, Princess Fiona changes into an ogre. She gives Shrek a sheepish smile.
Fiona smiles.
SHREK
Well, uh, that explains a lot.
FARQUAAD
Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards!
I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get them! Get them both!
The guards run in and separate Fiona and Shrek. Shrek fights them.
SHREK
No, no!
FIONA
Shrek!
FARQUAAD
This hocus-pocus alters nothing.
This marriage is binding, and that makes me king! See! See! FIONA
No, let go of me! Shrek!
SHREK
No!
FARQUAAD
Don't just stand there, you morons.
SHREK
Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh!
FARQUAAD
I'll make you regret the day we met.
I'll see you drawn and quartered!
You'll beg for death to save you!
FIONA
No, Shrek!
FARQUAAD
(Lord Farquaad holds a dagger to Fiona's throat.)
And as for you, my wife...
SHREK
Fiona!
FARQUAAD
I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days! I'm king! Shrek manages to get a hand free and he whistles. FARQUAAD
I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - -
Donkey and the dragon show up. They smash a window, the dragon leans down and eats Lord Farquaad, with Donkey riding on her head.
The dragon roars.
FARQUAAD
Aaaah! Aah!
DONKEY
All right. Nobody move.
I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to use it.
DONKEY
I'm a donkey on the edge!
The dragon belches and Farquaad's crown flies out of her mouth and falls to the ground.
DONKEY
Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they? The congregation cheers.
DONKEY
Go ahead, Shrek.
SHREK
Uh, Fiona?
FIONA
Yes, Shrek?
SHREK
I - - I love you.
FIONA
Really?
SHREK
Really, really.
FIONA
(Smiles.) I love you too.
Shrek and Fiona kiss. Thelonius takes one of the cards and writes 'Awwww' on the back and then shows it to the congregation.
CONGREGATION
Aawww!
Suddenly the magic of the spell pulls Fiona away. She's lifted up into the air and she hovers and spins, while the magic works around her.
WHISPERS
"Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true form. Take love's true form. Take love's true form."
Suddenly Fiona's eyes open wide. She's consumed by the spell and then is slowly lowered to the ground.
SHREK
(Going over to her.)
Fiona, Fiona. Are you all right?
FIONA
(She stands up, she's still an ogre.)
Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.
SHREK
But you are beautiful. Shrek and Princess Fiona smile at each other.
DONKEY
(Chuckles.) I was hoping this would be a happy ending. Shrek and Fiona kiss...and the kiss fades into...
CUT TO: EXT. DAYTIME. SWAMP.
...their wedding kiss.
Shrek and Fiona are now married. Shrek and Fiona break apart and run through the crowd to their awaiting carriage, a giant onion. Fiona tosses her bouquet, which both Cinderella and Snow White fight over, so the dragon catches it instead.
The Gingerbread man has one leg and walks with a candy cane. Shrek and Fiona walk off as the rest of the guests party and Donkey takes over singing the song. (Music plays: I’m a Believer/Smash Mouth.)
GINGERBREAD MAN
God bless us, every one.
DONKEY
C’mon ya all....
(Singing)
Then I saw her face, ha ha, now I’m a believer, Not a trace of doubt in my mind,
I’m in love, oh-ah
I’m a believer, I couldn’t leave her if I tried. Then I saw her face, now I’m a believer, hey! Not a trace of doubt in my mind, one more time! I’m in love, I’m a believer, c’mon!
I believe, (x9) hey!
Fade to black.
I believe, I believe, people in the back! I believe, I’m a believer, I believe Believe... Believe...
(Laughs)
DONKEY
Oh, that's funny.
Oh. Oh. I can't breathe. I can't breathe.
---END---